When Shift Hits the Fan: Emotional Hangovers

CaleyPowerPointTemplateLately I’ve been hitting it hard.

 

By “it” I mean writing.

 

Not just writing.  More like soul-searching, core-level, life changing expressing myself.

 

See, I’ve known for months that I want to create a new website.

 

I’ve also known for months that my old website writing chops weren’t up for the job of creating what I have pictured in my mind.

 

So I’ve been digging deep.

 

Clearing my blocks.   Uncovering limiting beliefs- some I didn’t even know I had. Processing them. Transforming them. And, letting them go.

 

All while writing weekly posts, website content and oh, you know, living my life.

 

Phew!

 

I’m sure you can relate. Life gets crazy for all of us at times.

 

The part of this intense emotional shifting I want to explore today is the physical symptoms that come along with it.

 

For me, it’s usually fatigue, body aches + pains, muscle soreness, foggy headedness and other flu-like symptoms.

 

Exactly how I’d feel if the “it” I was hitting was happy hour.

 

Which is why I call this experience an emotional hangover.

 

Just like when we have a little too much happy at happy hour, we can physically feel the effects of emotional + energetic processing the next day.    

 

It’s normal. Healthy. Common.

 

Especially when we’re energetically + emotionally perceptive, intuitive and attuned.

 

But, if we’re not aware of this phenomenon it activates all kinds of shame and confusion.

 

We question what’s wrong with us. Call ourselves weak and emotional.

 

Believe we’re actually physically sick. Like with the flu… or worse.

 

And, unknowingly create this feeling way too often.

 

Reeking havoc on our lives, schedules + health. Not to mention totally harming our self-image by blaming ourselves for what we’re experiencing.

 

I know before I knew about emotional hangovers I felt these things. Often.

 

I spent tons of time actually physically sick because I was emotionally overdoing it.  All. The. Time.

 

Which is why it felt so important to me to write this post.

 

As is.

 

Without trying to fix it.   Simplify it.  Or adding more emotional work to your plate.  (Or mine.)

 

Just shedding some light on what’s going on.

 

Why you feel this way.

 

And to reassure you there’s nothing wrong with you.  Nothing.

 

You’ve just been over doing it, emotionally.

 

Cut yourself some slack.  Don’t worry about fixing it right now.

 

Just take a deep breath, and let this new insight + perspective sink in.

 

When you’re ready, you can totally learn how to grow your emotional tolerance.  So you can have some happy at happy hour without feeling it the next day.

This is Why Self-Care Routines Feel Like Such a Challenge

CaleyPowerPointTemplateIf you’re anything like me you know in your head that good things come through repetition.

 

You know, practice.

 

And yet repetition/routines are so hard to get yourself to do.

And even harder to stick to.

 

 

Like last week….

It was beautiful totally sunny spring day in Seattle.

 

I was cruising down the road doing my Joel Osteen homework.  Declaring out loud (in my car, where it’s safe) that everything about me is getting better and better.

 

I said it maybe 12 or 15 times when I started singing it.   Just for fun.

 

And, like a huge raincloud seemingly out of nowhere, my inner monolog took a dark dark turn.

 

Yep. Shame crashed the party.

 

So while I was singing on the outside, on the inside, my inner critic was screaming, “What the eff is wrong with you?!”

 

And then it hit me.   A total light bulb moment.

 

THIS is why repetition is so hard.

 

See, as kids we love repetition!

 

We repeat everything. Questions, colors, numbers, name, jokes, dance moves- you name it.

 

Why? ‘Cause it feels good.

 

(Yep. It’s that simple.)

 

BUT what it feels like to be around this repetition, well….that’s not so good.

 

So naturally– maybe even rightfully– our parents tell us to knock it off.  Sometimes not very kindly.

 

They might yell.  Name call.  Shame.   And question, “What is wrong with you?!?”

 

And suddenly it feels like you’ve poked an angry bear.

In an instant that once great feeling of repetition turns to DANGER!

 

We shut down.

Get quite + small.

And promise never to do that again.

 

Especially when we’re tender, caring and empathetic by nature.

 

We’re already naturally inclined to put others first.

Automatically tuned in to what others feel. (Like anger.)

And often our identity + confidence come from our ability to give.

 

So that parental unloading feels like a shot to the heart.  

 

Fast-forward 20 years.

 

We want to create self-care routine that feels good.

 

Something like working out, sleeping enough, writing a blog, reciting affirmations or meditating.

 

And it feels so. freaking. hard.

 

Like we’re tempting another shot to the heart.

 

Because now repetition triggers shame.

 

Now repeating things that feel good takes you right back to being that helpless kid poking an angry bear.

It feels like you’re totally doing something wrong.

Like you’re putting yourself in danger.

Like you’re selfish to even want to feel good.

 

So you do what “good girls” do.  You stop focusing on you.  And quickly move yourself back to the bottom of the list.

 

Here’s the thing my empathetic friends:

This challenge you’re facing isn’t about who you are.

It’s not that you’re lazy, worthless or not good enough.

It’s not even something you’re doing wrong.

 

It’s just that your body learned long ago exactly what happens when you poke that particular bear.

And you’re keeping your promise to never ever do that again.

 

Now it’s your turn.  Here’s some questions to finally start facing your angry bear:

  • What routines have I been avoiding?
  • How do I feel, in my body, when I think about setting up these routines?
  • Knowing what I now know about shame + routines do these feelings make more sense?
  • Am I willing to lean into this discomfort, to face this angry bear?
  • How can I remind myself what’s really happening when I’m feelin’ the bear attack?
  • What support do I need (from myself or others) as I learn to dance with this particular bear?

How Goodbyes Lead You to Your Purpose

CaleyPowerPointTemplateFor most of my life I sucked at goodbyes.

 

You’d think I’d be good at them since we moved 9 times before I graduated high school.  But, like all kids with abandonment issues, being forced to say goodbye over and over actually made it worse.

 

So it’s no surprise that I’ve recreated this pattern in my adult life. I mean my job is full of goodbyes. Mostly “good” goodbyes. When people reach their goals.  But goodbyes just the same.

 

And lately it’s hit me how following your purpose is full of goodbyes, too.

 

See, following your purpose requires movement. Moving towards better and better fitting things. Which mean saying goodbye to all the fit-well-once-but-not-so-much-anymore things.

 

When we aren’t comfortable + willing to say goodbye then we never feel fully comfortable or able to truly commit. To take a risk. To embrace our purpose.

 

‘Cause we’re terrified of feeling stuck.  Choosing wrong.  Loosing interest.

 

We’re so worried about the future that we’re frozen right now.

 

So, I’ve made it my mission to become good at goodbyes.   For my personal life, marriage, job + purpose.  So I can confidently embrace what comes my way.

 

Here’s my 4-step process for rocking goodbyes:

 

  1. Acknowledge the pain.

 

Have you ever heard the saying that anger is a secondary emotion? See, something happens first (usually a vulnerable emotion) that triggers anger.

 

There’s always a reason why we’re angry.

 

When it comes to goodbyes the initial emotion is often some form of sadness, loss and/or grief.   If we let these vulnerable babies go unchecked, unnoticed, unacknowledged then the anger totally takes over.   And we never get the chance to actually heal.

 

  1. Thank whatever is leaving.

 

Taking time to acknowledge all the ways this particular “thing” has helped you. What it’s taught you.   What it’s allowed you to do.

 

Especially if it’s habits that didn’t serve you and kept you small.

 

In it’s own way, whatever it is that’s leaving you, was trying to keep you safe.   And you let. You totally let it.

 

Send it gratitude for its service. Then let it go.

 

  1. Unplug from it.

 

Imagine that you and the thing you’re saying goodbye to are plugged into each other.

 

Like a lamp into the wall. That there’s a cord coming from it, plugged right into you.

 

Now, imagine unplugging that cord. Like you’re literally pulling it out of an outlet.

 

This energetic step is how you stop running its energy.   Stop feeling it. Stop connecting to it.   And now have an empty outlet to plug in whatever you want.

 

  1. Fill in the space the goodbye created with something you want.

 

Like crossing the monkey bars, reach for what you want next.

Put words to it.

Describe it.

Imagine how it feels.

 

Let this new, better-fitting thing, be your new energy source.

 

Your turn.  How are you at goodbyes?  Any fit-well-once-but-not-anymore-things holding you back?

Why You Shouldn’t Ask for Help

CaleyPowerPointTemplateOK, I started writing a blog post about when to ask for help.

 

I wanted to remind you how differently things go when we ask for help before we need it.

You know,  when we have a plan + support system in place.

 

But it felt like total BS.

 

See, I’m working on my new website. (Can’t wait till it’s live!)  So I’ve been reflecting back on my favorite clients + their biggest shifts.   And, it turns out, they all came to me at their breaking points.

 

Now I have to warn you- this is a very slippery slope.

 

Some things are harder to heal at their breaking points. Relationships, physical health + tooth aches to name a few.

 

And yet, when it comes to inner transformation, there is something special + totally important about the “I can’t take it anymore” stage.

 

It forces us to look in the mirror.

Get really honest.

And, sh*t or get off the pot.

 

In other words it forces us to choose: move closer to our purpose or leave it in the dust…

 

Here’s the important thing to keep in mind: there’s nothing wrong with not being ready to go after our purpose.

 

Nothing.

 

What screws us up is saying we’re ready- willing to do anything + and everything- when really…

…we’re not.

 

This miscommunication- with ourselves- is what creates:

  • hopelessness
  • doubt
  • what feels like failure

AND totally keeps us stuck.

 

It’s not the not being ready.   The not asking for help.   It’s the not truly listening to ourselves that creates mistrust.

 

So maybe, just maybe, it’s not the right time for you to ask for help.

 

Maybe it’s time to re-frame your goals + stop worrying about where you want to be.

So you can figure out exactly where you are.

And start to grow your self-trust.

How to Know if a Coach or Program is Right for You

Lately I’ve had the pleasure of speaking with lots of potential new clients.

 

I love this part of the job!

 

But, there’s one aspect of these calls that often breaks my heart: shame.

 

Often disguised as fear.

 

Shame is something we feel on the inside that tells us we’re not good enough.  Something’s wrong with us.   We have to change who we are in order to feel good enough.   And, to be loved.

 

Which sends us searching for the “perfect solution.”

One that guarantees success.

Has worked for “everyone else.”

And tella us exactly what we need to do to be loveable + find our purpose.

 

This has been my biggest hurdle in my coaching transition.

 

Kinda like an infomercial, coaches have a tendency to tell you that they have the answers you’re looking for.  

 

That they’ve created a sure-fire, will-work-for-you, guaranteed-success program that has worked for everyone they’ve ever worked with.   They’ll take you through steps 1 through 6 and your life will magically be changed.   Forever.

 

You know what this actually does?

 

  • Sets you up for failure.  Cause it’s not addressing your needs, your strengths, your hurdles and what the heck got you to this place to begin with.

 

  • Creates more shame. Way more shame. If it’s worked for “everyone” before you then it must be your fault it isn’t working for you. Right?

 

  • And keeps you looking outside yourself for answers.   Hoping + believing that there’s a magic solution that you can apply without doing the inner work.

 

Here’s the thing my friends: personal growth is so not a one-size-fits-all thing.

 

Kinda like perfect fitting jeans, there is no one program that fits every personality type.  (And honestly, anyone who tells you different is just trying to make money.) 

 

Now this doesn’t mean that all coaching programs are bad.  They aren’t.

 

Or that you can’t find one that’ll change your life so easily it feels like magic.   You can.

 

It just means you need to know what to look for.

 

Here are 3 things to consider in finding your perfect fitting coach or program:

 

  1. Know what you need.

 

There’s a BIG difference between information, education and practical next steps and internal healing, shifting and releasing.

 

If you’ve been stuck- for any length of time- internal work is needed.   Next steps, education + information will only overwhelm if you’re not able to take action steps.

 

  1. Is sabotage is addressed?

 

We all sabotage ourselves.  All of us.

If we don’t uncover these patterns and deal with ‘em, they’ll keep showing up.

It doesn’t matter how great the info this or that program has- if you’re inner saboteur goes unchecked, you’ll end up back where you started. 100% of the time.

 

  1. Is the focus you or the process?

 

Going back to question 1, if you’re in the need more info camp, then a generalized process can be exactly what you need. For example, books, self-study courses, huge anonymous programs give you the info + you go out and make it happen.

 

If, however, you already have the info- you know what you need to do- and you haven’t been able to turn that info into action then smaller, personalized, meet-you-where-you-are programs are going to be a better fit.

 

This is where individual sessions + small personal groups can be the most helpful. They’re designed (ideally) to meet you were you are and address your specific blocks.

 

 

Much like clothes, when we get out of the one-size-fits-all mentality, and are willing to get in there + try things on, we learn what fits us.

What flatters us.

What highlights our best traits.

The Dark Side of Intuition: 4 Fears That Keep You Avoiding You

I’ve always been intuitive.

 

I often know my friends are pregnant before they do. I’m a 20-Questions champ. And know when my hubby’s put the empty jar of peanut butter back in the fridge even before I’m home.

 

And I’d always just left it at this. A funny party-trick, if you will.

 

But the longer I work with clients the more this “skill” has insisted on being heard.

 

I ignored it.

For years.

And it just kept getting louder.

Changing forms.

Demanding to be acknowledged.

 

The more I ignored it, the more I ended up sabotaging my life, relationships + business.

 

Kinda like what Joseph Campbell refers to as the Hero’s call.  My soul just couldn’t (or wouldn’t) rest until I embraced this gift and started down the clairvoyant road.

 

I’m happy to say I’m now several months in to a clairvoyant training program. (One I bailed on, at the last minute, for the last 3 years.)

 

And my life + business will never be the same.

 

Now that doesn’t mean it’s been a smooth road.

 

There have totally been times I’ve wanted to put this particular genie back in the bottle.

 

I mean, it can be scary.   Disorienting.  Nerve-racking.

 

And, to really be able to help people, you’ve got to do your own work.

So you know what’s yours.

And, what’s theirs.

 

And nobody really talks about this part.  

 

What it takes. Why it’s scary.  And why we avoid it.

 

So our fears, misperceptions and lack of knowledge run wild.  Blossom.  Make fear babies.  And keep us ignoring ourselves.

 

Today I want shed some light on these fears by sharing mine.    So hopefully you don’t wait as long as I did. And you can start fearlessly listening to yourself, now.

 

4 fears that kept me from letting my intuition skyrocket + how intuition has helped me through ‘em:

 

1.  What will people say?

Totally normal, pretty common fear, no matter what we’re going after. When it comes to intuition this one is a particularly funny catch-22.

 

Yes, people may have not-so-nice responses to your pursuit of the woo-woo.   And, the farther you go in your clairvoyance skills, the more sure you’ll be that that their fear is totally about them.  And has nothing to do with you.

 

Which makes it effortless to feel compassion for them.  And totally peaceful in your path.

 

2.  Fear of seeing the truth.

From a young age we start seeing things as the people around us want us to.

To fit in.

To be accepted.

To win brownie points.

 

It easily becomes unclear what’s our truth and what we’ve accepted as our truth. So, opening the Intuition Box can kinda feel like opening Pandora’s box. You have no idea what you’ll find.

 

Turns out, that old cliché, “the truth will set you free” is totally true.
The more willing I am to see the truth…the more I see.

 

Options, opportunities, patterns, hiding, blaming, shaming, fear, avoiding, compassion, sabotaging.  In both me + others, to name a few.

 

 

3.  It’ll overwhelm you.

You’ll become Whoopee Goldberg in Ghost.   You’ll be haunted- all hours of the day + night- with info just dying to connect with you.

 

Turns out, intuition isn’t all or nothing.

 

It’s kinda like volume.  I can turn the volume up or down, based on what’s going on in the moment.

 

Once you’re willing to own this gift, you’re able to create + learn techniques for dealing with it.

 

 

4.  What if I’m wrong?

There is no right or wrong when it comes to intuition.   Just interpretation.

 

We all see, intuitively or not, through our own lens.

 

Which is created by our life experiences, beliefs and interactions. This is why I see a friend bailing on lunch at the last minute one way, and you see it a totally different way.

 

Both are right.

 

They’re just different interpretations of the same event. Because they’re coming from different viewpoints.

 

The more you’re willing to see, the more you’ll be able to see this one, too.

How to Know What You Need Next

CaleyPowerPointTemplateDuring my therapy session last week both my therapist + myself were in stitches when this sentence flew out of my mouth:

 

“Oooooooh, It’s just shame.  Sweet!”

 

We’d been exploring why a supposed to be fun assignment (spending virtual money) was making me feel so darn yucky.

 

 

We sat with it.

Turned into the discomfort.

Listened to my body.

And were totally curious about what it was feeling and what it wanted to tell me.

 

It totally clarified itself in this one simple word: shame.

 

Now I get that shame + laughter don’t usually go together.  

 

But here’s the thing: I totally know what to do with shame.   And, I had zero idea how to get myself to enjoy spending virtual money.

 

So, uncovering that shame was holding me back was an amazing gift.

And a total opportunity to get over this hurdle.  Once and for all.

 

See it’s not that we feel something yucky, uncomfortable or scary in our bodies that’s the problem.

It’s that we run from these feelings.   And judge the heck out of ‘em.

 

THAT’S what keeps us stuck.

 

Now I’m not saying you have to know what to do with shame.  You don’t.  (I didn’t always.)

Or that your yucky feeling is shame.  It might be.  It might not.

 

But until you’re willing to know exactly what it is, how will you ever know what it needs?  Or, what to do with it?

Spiritually speaking, this is called, “being willing to see the truth.”  And it’s kinda like bringing a knife to a gun fight.  You gotta know what you’re dealing with to know what you need to be able to deal.

 

For me, what it really boils down to is listening. 

 

Listening to myself.  My body.  My wisdom.  My gut.  Especially when my body’s saying “yikes!”

 

So now it’s your turn.  Ask yourself how you handle those uncomfortable, painful, down-right-yucky moments?  Do you turn into them?   Avoid ‘em like the plague?  Or run like heck?

Your answer is full of insight into why you are exactly where you are.  ❤

Why You FEEL Like You Aren’t Making Progress

One of my fave parts of being a coach is reminding my clients exactly how far they’ve come.

 

It’s so easy to downplay our own achievements.

 

Pass ‘em off as coincidence, luck or deem ‘em not good enough.

 

An outside perspective (like mine) can be so helpful.  And so healing.

 

So what gives? Why do we do this to ourselves?

 

I find when we feel can’t feel or remember our progress it’s generally one of two reasons:

 

  1. We’re too good at letting go.

Or

  1. We’re too good at looking ahead.

 

 

See, when we’re too good at letting go we’re always focused on the letting go part.

 

Our priority is the next issue to be tackled.
The next hurdle in our way.
And, what we’ve still got to work on.  

 

Which means we forget- completely- to fill in with new.

 

We’re so busy moving on to the next thing we need to let go that we skip the oh-so-important step of replacing the old limiting beliefs, patterns, relationships with newer, healthier, positive, forward-moving beliefs, patterns + relationships.

 

So, even though we’re seriously working our booty off, we’re left with a big ol’ hole.
Emptiness.
Loneliness.
A huge void.  

 

It’s not that we haven’t made progress.   Not. At. All.

 

It’s that we’ve purged our lives + and emotional closets in order to create our desires and then totally forgotten to ADD OUR DESIRE.

 

And, then there’s being too good at looking ahead. The problem here is that we’re always focused on the future. Y ou know, down the road.

 

We’re locked into where we want to get. What we want our lives to look like.

 

All the while, blissfully ignoring what’s right in front of us + what we’re doing RIGHT NOW that created this situation to begin with.

 

Kinda like asking for directions to the Space Needle, you’ve got to know where you’re starting from for the directions to make any sense.

 

Paying attention to your starting point is how you not only track your progress- so you know you’re making some- but also how you know which route to take. Which pattern to alter. Which belief to replace.

 

In both cases we skip steps for fear that they’ll knock us off our course.  Slow us down.  Or keep us stuck.

When we (finally) accept that it’s the skipping steps that keep us stuck… progress is unavoidable. 

Are Your Wants Keeping You Stuck?

My wants and I have been going through a major growing phase lately.  Major.

 

I used to do this thing where I put all my wants into the same category.  Maybe you can relate?

 

If I thought it, I called it a want.

Didn’t matter if it was to marry Johnny Depp, attend grad school, swim in the Olympics or have a pet dog.  

A want was a want—as far as I was concerned.

 

Now, thanks to my Law of Attraction tutelage, I see- so clearly- that not all wants are the same.   AND lumping ‘em all together…. well that’s what keeps us stuck.

 

See wants really fall into two categories: wishes + desires.

 

Wishes are light, airy, dream-like.

They sound good. (Often too good to be true.)

They feel attractive and totally unattainable. Which creates their draw.

They’re external.   Just outside your reach.

And while it’d be nice if they happened, the dream of them happening is way better than the reality.

 

Desires, on the other hand, are a yearning that comes from within you.

They’re solid, driven, viable.

There’s action, fire + passion when you think ‘em.

They feel possible.  Attainable.

And achieving them feels better than dreaming of them.

 

Wishes sound good- and we have zero intention of putting energy into them.  (Hello Johnny Depp)

While desires we can’t help but energy into.  (Hello grad school)

 

When we mix these guys up, when we call our wishes desires, we send ourselves BIG TIME mixed messages.  

Which leads to all kinds of dropped balls.  
Herky jerky planning. 
And oodles of self-judgment.

But, when we know the difference between a wish and a desire we can align ourselves with our true desires (hello grad school) and let our wishes be exactly what they are- awesome daydream material (hello Johnny Depp).

Knowing the difference between these two will save you time, energy, face with yourself AND keep you moving forward.   Even if it’s to fantasy-land for just a few hours. (Hey, everyone needs an occasional break!)

Here’s 4 simple questions to help you figure out if you’re dealing with a wish or a desire:

1.  Am I willing to put energy into creating this?

2.  How much energy?

3.  Am I willing to be challenged, to step outside my comfort zone, to achieve this?

4.  What am I going to do when it gets hard?

**Please, don’t judge your wants that turn out to be wishes.  Celebrate ‘em!  Not only are they great daydream material; they also mean you’ve got way more room on your plate to go after what you truly desire.  
It’s a win-win in my book! :)

 

How Letting Go Can Keep You Moving Forward

This week’s post is actually the newsletter I sent out this week.  

I decided to post an oldie but goodie blog post this week so that I could keep working on some new + exciting things.    As I wrote this newsletter (in under 5 minutes) I realized it’d make a great post.  

SO, I’m sharing it with you here.  I mean, why not?  Right?  :)

It’s amazing what flows out of us when we’re willing to listen, get out of our own way + stop limiting ourselves to one definition of success.   Hope you enjoy!

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“This week, I’m leading by example. 

I’m letting go so that I can keep moving forward.

See I’m up to my eyeballs in new posts + my new website.  Things are looking g-oo-d AND they’re not quite ready to share.  At this point, I’m pretty sure they only make sense in my head.  :) 

So I had a choice. 

I could spent today stressed out desperately trying to force one of these new born posts into something that makes sense to everyone NOT living in my head.  (Believe me, I’ve done it before.  And, will probably do it again.)

OR, I could re-post an oldie but goodie and give myself room to breath and keep working- with love- on the new stuff that’s pouring out of me.

I choose option 2.

Which is so on point for the post I’ve selected.  And, for the art of letting go. 

WAY too often we get stuck on one picture, definition, expectation of the way things need to go.   Talk about lack + limitations!

Being willing + able to see opportunities, possibilities… abundance is so part of letting go.  And, it makes success so. much. more. attainable.

The trick to making sure that you’re letting go so you can move forward (vs. putting it in park) is this simple question:

Does letting this go move me closer or farther to my ultimate goal?

If it moves you closer- like this week is doing for me, allowing me space to keep creating- then 100% look for options, possibilities, think outside the box and let. it. go. already.

If it moves you farther- is an excuse, keeps you stuck, means you won’t take the next step towards your ultimate goal- then it’s time to buckle down, put on your come-hell-or-high-water-pants and find a way to get it done. 

You don’t always have to have the perfect plan or execution.  You’ve just got to be clear about your wants + extra clear if you’re moving towards ‘em or stalling out.

To mastering the art of letting go!

xoxo
Caley

P.S. Turns out I’m totally digging this newsletter so THIS is going to turn into this week’s new post!  Planned on posting once, ended up posting twice- with very little effort- just by listening to… ME. 

Man, I love this letting go thing.  :)”

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