3 Simple Word Swaps That’ll Boost Your Self-Esteem

Words are to your self-esteem what  foodSelf-esteem is a prerequisite for a passionate life.  

It isn’t some I-conquored-that-particular-thing-so-I-feel-good-about-myself-forever kind of thing.  Your self-esteem needs love, care, nurture and support just like your body.  After all, it’s a living breathing thing. 

Simple word choices make a big difference in how we feel.  Think of it this way:  words are to your self-esteem what food is to your body. 

Choosing words that fuel + uplift you is like choosing foods that do the same.  There’s so many simple vocab swaps you can make to nurture and grow your self-esteem.  Here’s 3 of my fave: 

Swap “but” for “and.”

When you “but” yourself, you’re forcing yourself into an all-or-nothing, black-or-white box.  And, you end up labeling yourself + your experiences ALL good or ALL bad.  

The truth is you’re a wonderfully delightful complex being.  Nothing about you, or your experiences, is all good or all bad.  

That’s the beauty of “and.”  When you “and‘ yourself, instead of “but” yourself, you’re celebrating + making room for ALL of you.  

Swap “deserve” for “worth” or “matter.”

The D-word is like nails on a chalkboard for me for so many reasons, but here’s my top 3:

1.  To say you deserve something is to say you had to earn it.  And you so DON’T have to earn being loved.   You are worth being loved.  ‘Cause you matter.  See the difference?

2.  If you “deserve” the good, then it follows that you “deserve” the bad. Using the D-word, even when we mean it with love, sets us up for feeling worse about ourselves when things go haywire.  

When you have worth, you have that worth no matter the situation.  

And when you know you matter, you matter, no matter what. 

3.  When we think + feel that we “deserve” something we dive into “proving mode.”   We’re all about TELLING people we “deserve” this or we “deserve” that.

When we know our worth + that we matter, we SHARE what we want + need.   And sharing is HOW we’re able to receive + make connections.  ‘Cause when we share we’re open.

Swap “because” for a nice long pause….

Whenever we use the word “because” to justify our wants, thoughts, beliefs or actions we’re saying they aren’t enough on their own.  We’re defending ‘em before they even need defending. 

Instead, take a beat when you share your wants or thoughts.  

Practice saying, “I want to see this movie.”  Period.   Then, let that beautiful, I matter, silence ring!

It might be a little uncomfortable at first and that’s OK.  It’s an incredible self-esteem workout that lets you + your wants matter all on their own.  


How to Make Your Past Work for You,
Not Against You

CaleyPowerPointTemplate-2When it comes to the past letting go isn’t always what you need. 

Usually the past hangs around when you’ve yet to learn what you need from it.

Don’t get me wrong; the classic cycles of dwelling, obsessing, blaming, revenge plotting and comeback hunting are in no way helpful.  And yet, when done correctly, looking at the past is one of our most useful tools.
See, your past has incredible nuggets of info that’ll totally help you learn, grow and create future success.  Studying it with purpose + intention is literally your best resource for figuring out what works, and more importantly, what doesn’t.   

The trick is HOW you review it.
Here’s the keys to making your past work for you, not against you.   

1.  Look at YOUR part in the situation.

While fantasizing about saying or doing something different so that other people act differently is totally normal, it’s also a complete waste of your time. 

When we pay attention to our part + what we brought to the situation we learn.  We grow.  And, we move on.

Focusing on anyone’s actions but yours is like trying to change what’s already happened.  Instead, use what’s already happened to help create a future + present that you want. 

2. Review the choices you made even if they didn’t’ feel like choices.

Here’s the thing: everything we do is a choice.  It doesn’t always feel like a choice.  And, it IS a choice.

Accept this.  And, notice when you feel like you do or when you don’t have a choice. It is one of the most empowering things you can do. It’ll show you where your strengths and weaknesses are.  Where your blind spots are.  Plus, what totally triggers you. 

3.  Questions are Queen.  

Instead of digging in your heels and reciting the past as fact, ask yourself questions.  Boatloads of ‘em.  

Questions are how we learn.  How we digest + understand new things.  They’re how we expose old limiting thoughts, assumptions, habits and unconscious beliefs.  

Here’s some marvelous questions to include in your lineup:

HOW did you make your choice(s)?  With you head?  Heart?  Gut?  Out of fear? Panic?  Habit?  

Where you acting out of love of fear?
Did this choice take you closer to your purpose or farther from it?
Was this in alignment with who you want to be?
What are you actually avoiding with this choice? What are you creating more of with this choice?
What would it say about you if you felt like you had a choice?

4.  Which of these things is like, or not like, the others? 

To really learn from your pasts + create a different future look for patterns.  Both success and failure leave clues– you’ve just got to be willing to look for ‘em.

Keep the questions going +  look at the situation from all angles to uncover your clues:

What were the signs (that maybe you missed) leading up to the event?
How was this similar to past experiences?  How was it different?
How did you feel heading into it?
How might you’ve missed these signs?  What did they feel like? 
Did you listen to yourself?
What can you look for + do different going forward?

With the right action plan + focus the past can totally work for you.  Next time you’re feeling stuck ‘cause the past just won’t seem to let go, stop trying to out run it and use these steps to turn it into an opportunity for growth.

Hole-Poking: How You’re Holding Yourself Back

Hole-PokingHole-poking is one of the most common ways we get stuck.  

The more you use this negative-Nelly habit, the more stuck you feel.  Guaranteed.

What is hole-poking?  In a nut shell, it’s focusing on why something: 

  • won’t work
  • doesn’t apply to you
  • is hard to do

For example:  someone shares an idea or new concept with you and no matter what they say, or how they explain it, you zero in on the one or two words that make it NOT work for you.  

And, you pounce on ‘em like a cat going after a laser dot.

They might have 100 awesome points.  That would totally help you out.  
Yet all you hear is the part that will be hard.  Uncomfortable.  Or doesn’t fit perfectly the first time through.  

You’re not looking for solutions. You’re not growing.  You’re not learning.

Instead you’re caught up in a horrible case of rationalization- determined to find fault in anything that tries to move you out of your comfort zone.

Basically, you’re hitting the emergency brake.  All.  Day.  Long.  

We’ve all been there.  And it’s no fun.

Here’s 5 ways to take your foot off the brake and stop poking holes.

Embrace your scaredy-cat-ness. 

Change.   Growth.  Progress.   As much as we want these things they mean leaving your comfort zone in the dust.  And that’s scary stuff.   

Acknowledge + communicate what’s got you spooked.   Remind yourself that it’s OK to be scared.  It’s OK to be unsure.  Let yourself be in the “and” place:  “I want this change AND I’m scared.”  Then, take it slow. 

Look for how the info DOES apply + how it CAN help.

ALL information can help us.  Teach us.  Direct us.  If we’re willing to listen.  

Information is like making a new friend.  Looking for how it does relate to us is how we create connections, understanding, new possibilities + how we create a new pattern in our life. 

**If a theme is coming up again and again-  listen. It’s happening for a reason. 

Look for what’s gone right.

Tony Robbins says, “Success always leaves clues.”  And it does.  Big time.   

When you start looking for how/why things have gone well, you can recreate + build on that success without reinventing the wheel.  It’ll get you out of the parking lot and back into the race.

Un-plant your heels.  Literally. 

When we’re hole-poking we generally feel:  

Tense + ready for battle 
Defeated, “This won’t work, why bother?” 
Stiff, “It has to go perfect. Must.  Resist.  Anything.  Less.”  

Relaxing your body is one swift way to refocus your mind.  

Loosen up your shoulders.  Unclench your jaw.  Shake out your hands.  

Let your body know you’re NOT under attack.  This will instantly calm your internal alarm system.  And let you start seeing things from a whole new lens.

Breathe first. Speak second. 

Before you speak take a deep breath.

Acknowledge you’re feeling some resistance. 

Take another breath.

THEN speak.  

If you’re still only finding fault(s) start with questions.  Get clear on the intention of the information (or the person delivering it) so you can find common ground. 

Hole poking is easy to spot when you know what you’re looking for.  With a little practice you’ll be have a lot less holes in your life in no time.

11 Relationship Dos
That’ll Help You Rock Your Job

11 Relationship DosThis Saturday marked 11 years since the hub-ster and I got hitched!

I can honestly say we’re (WAY) happier today than we were back then. 

Don’t get me wrong, our wedding was beautiful.  

But for us, marriage took some figuring out.  

We had to learn HOW to make an in-it-for-the-long-haul-relationship work.  Kinda like owning vs. leasing a car.  Marriage is a whole different thing than dating.  To figure it out, we had to learn about ourselves and each other.  

Well, much like marriage, your career falls into this in-it-for-the-long-haul category.   

It’s different than a “job.”  And takes different skills + understanding than the one-hit-wonder gigs of your youth in order to keep the passion alive. 

So today I’m tipping my hat to our 11 years of marriage by helping you work out some in-it-for-the-long-haul career kinks.  Keep in mind, everything I’m sharing today can absolutely be applied to BOTH your career + personal life.  At their core, each of these 11 dos are mindsets that lead to a passionate life. 

11 relationship dos that’ll totally help you rock your job. 

1. Compromise doesn’t feel like compromise when you know your why.  Look, I love my husband.  I value my marriage.  The distinction is key.  ‘Cause on days when I’d kinda like to stab him with a fork (and they do happen), I know WHY working it out is worth it TO ME.   Same rules apply to your job.   Odds are you won’t love every day.  And, one bad day doesn’t have to ruin the bunch. 

2.  Compromise can always be reached.  If it’s not happening someone is trying to win.  If it’s you: stop it.  If it’s them: help ‘em win.  The only way to create a win-win is to be on the same page.   

3.  Plans are sexy.  How much do you get done that’s not on your to-do list?  Exactly.  

4.  Waiting to talk is not the same as listening.  Listening to your co-workers or customers is the quickest path to rock-stardom.  They’ll feel valued, important and their walls will come down so you’ll be able to solve challenges together in no time flat.  

5.  You’re responsible for what you bring to the situation.  Blame looks good on no one.  Own what you bring to each situation.  If it’s not your proudest moment, that’s OK.  There’s no way to change it until you’re aware of it.   

6. Don’t take things personally.  We’re all a bit self-focused.  Whatever they’re doing is 100% ’cause of them, NOT YOU. 

7.  We’re not the same.  Don’t assume they’er thinking what you are.  Don’t assume you’re thinking what they are.  Communicate without assumption.  It’ll be like a breath of fresh air! 

8.  It’s a good thing that we aren’t the same.  Life, and projects, would be totally boring without some diversity.  Our differences are opportunities to create amazing mash-ups + totally inspired projects. 

9.  Play to each others strengths.  Everyone has a place they truly shine.  Embrace that.  Utilize that.  Celebrate that.  It’s how passion thrives.   

10. Score-keeping is like shooting yourself in the foot.   It makes you feel bad.  And, makes everyone want to avoid you.  If you just have to score keep, start tracking the wins instead.  Your foot will thank you. 

11.  It’s always worth fighting for. ‘Cause YOU are worth fighting for.  When it gets tough, roll up your sleeves, ask for help and be open to learning.   There is 100% a way to get back on track- but you’ve got to be open to it.  

Let it Go Already: The Dos + Don’ts of Letting Go

Hands down, the question I get asked most often is:  “Yeah but, HOW do I let go?”

Great question.  And, a must have skill for a happy life.

No matter if it’s forgiving.  Heartache.  Or, saying adios to an old, not-working-for-ya-anymore pattern, there are some tricks of the trade that can help you let go.  

Here’s the essential dos + don’ts of letting go. 

1.  DON’T ignore what you really need. 

Letting go isn’t a catchall phrase and it doesn’t heal all hurts.
Letting go happens once we’ve processed + healed the hurt.  

Not before.

If you’re in the middle of a major anxiety melt-down, drowning in heartache, or desperate for things change, odds are letting go isn’t what you need (or want) right now.

DO clarify what you really want.  

Support, understanding, nurture and healing all have to happen before we can let go.   And, they’re what we need most when we’re in pain.  

Take time to ask yourself what you really want right now.  If it’s got to do with pain, I promise a little TLC will go a long way.  

2.  Don’t Nike yourself.  

By this I mean, you can’t “just do it.”   Not when it comes to letting go. 

And, the more you badger yourself to “just do it” the more stuck you’ll become.  

Letting go is a process + it can only happen when we’re open.   When you’re screaming, “JUST DO IT ALREADY” at yourself, you’re body’s in total lock down mode.  Nothing is getting in OR out.

DO embrace some woo-woo.  

Letting go involves all of you, not just your beautiful mind.  

I mean it’s not your mind that hurts; it’s your body, right?  

Meditation, energy work, yoga, breath, reiki and prayer are essentials to letting go ’cause they get you outta your head and into your body, where the hurt is.  

3.  Don’t do what you’ve always done.

Whatever you’ve been doing hasn’t worked.  So why keep doing it?  

DO try new things!  

Think outside the box.  Get out of your comfort zone.  The only way to feel something new is to DO something new.

If you’re worried about looking silly or find yourself pooh-poohing ideas ’cause they’re “weird” it’s a sure sign you’re still closed.  Go back to step one and clarify what you’re really looking for.  When you’re really ready to let go you won’t care what you look like doing it. 

4.  Don’t do things ’cause someone told you to.  

I call this “good-student” answers + actions.  When my clients do something ’cause I told ‘em to -  with zero heart, connection or intention of their own – this never ever works.  

DO what speaks to you.  

The truth is there’s many ways to let go.  And what works for me may not work for you.  

When you’re open and willing to learn + feel the process on your own, letting go happens naturally.  It’s not the steps that allow you to let go, it’s letting something you need in that makes the difference.  So listen to yourself + ask, what do you really need to let this go?

BTW, a little TLC is a necessity before we can let go.  (And it’s the most commonly skipped step.)

5.  Don’t look for all the ways it didn’t work. 

I call this “hole-poking” and it’s the single worst thing you can do to yourself.  If you spend your time, energy and attention looking for what’s wrong then that’s what you’re gonna have– a life that feels wrong.

Do look for all the ways growth is showing up.  

Teach yourself to look for + celebrate the places that you have made progress, that are going well and how far you’ve come.  The more joy, compassion + hope you look for- the more you’ll have a life that feels that way. 

6.  Don’t fantasize about “them” fixing it.  

Someone may have hurt you, yes.   BUT, and I say this with love, the wound is yours.   

Let me explain: if they literally physically stabbed you with a knife, they (literally) hurt you AND the cut would be yours to take care of.  Even if they apologize!   

You’ve got to clean, dress and care for the wound ’cause it’s on your body.  Well, same rules apply to emotional wounds.

DO focus on you.

Take your power back here and focus on you + what you can do.  Your options for taking care of yourself are endless when you focus on what YOU CAN DO.  

If you’re stuck running the loop of having it out with them in your head, it’s a sure sign you need to go back to step one and figure out what you really want.  This means something is still missing.

7.  DON’T do it alone.

It’s painful.  It’s lonely.  It’s totally unnecessary to do it alone.  And, it will take so much longer.

DO embrace support

Support comes in all different shapes and sizes.  And it’s yours for the taking.  You’ll feel so much stronger.  So much clearer.  And it will go so much quicker if you buddy up with someone.

Keep these do + don’ts in mind no matter what steps you take, and you’ll be on your way to letting it go in no time!


The Than-Game: 8 Signs You’re Playing

CaleyPowerPointTemplate-1Something really interesting + sorta unexpected happens when I talk to people about self-esteem:  they become jerks.  And, their self-esteem actually plummets.


It’s happened to me.   And I’m pretty sure it’s happened to you.

You know those times when your day is going just fine?  
You’re feeling pretty peaceful.  
Getting stuff done.  

Then, someone talks about improving their self-esteem, and Wham!  You feel awful. Can list 100 things you need to change about yourself.  And your self-confidence (not to mention day) is now in the toilet.   

We’ve all been there. 

And h
ere’s what’s really going on: you, out of habit, dove, head first, into what I like to call the “Than-Game.”

We all know this game.   It’s where you feel good (or bad) about yourself because you’re better (or worse) than the person next to you.   So, to feel good, you’ve got to be:

  • better than
  • skinnier than
  • smarter than
  • make more money than
  • have more seniority than
  • drive a better car than


And, when someone else is better, skinnier, smarter, richer than YOU… your self-esteem takes a major nosedive. 

Yeah.   The Than-Game is so not fun.  Especially at work. 

Playing this grass-is-greener-game at work means you’ve taken your eye off the ball.   

You’re not focused.  You’re not producing great stuff.   

And, you’re stuck.  

‘Cause instead of putting energy into the pitch coming your way + figuring out HOW to hit your own home-run, you’re wasting energy tracking your co-workers.  

Not helpful.  (And, so not going to get you noticed for your skills.)

Here’s 8 signs you’re totally playing the Than-Game at work. (Maybe without even knowing it.)

  1. You can’t be happy for a coworkers success.  If each win your coworker has feels like a loss for you.  You’re playing the Than-Game.

  2. You can’t make a decision.  If making a decision feels like making a commitment.  Like you’ll be tied down to something you’re not even sure you want.  You’re playing the Than-Game. 

  3. You fear being wrong.  If being wrong means someone else is right instead of a chance to learn something new.  100%, you’re in the Than-Game. 

  4. You fight with people over things you don’t even want.  If you fight (to the death!) to win, not because you really really want the “prize,” but ’cause you have to win.   You’re literally playing the game. 

  5. You can’t seem to settle down.  If you want to be seen as an expert in everything, not just one thing.  You’re in the Than-Game. 

  6. To you, the grass is always greener.  If you can’t feel grateful for what you’ve already got, ’cause someone has more something different.  Yep.  You’re in the game. 

  7. You nitpick the heck outta what others do.  If you can + do find fault in everything + everyone.  You’re probably a Than-Game All-star. 

  8. You throw co-workers under the bus.  If you avoid “being wrong” at all costs.  You’re definitely a Than-Game All-star.  

Now that you know about this slippery slope of game (+ if you’re an All-star or not)
keep your eye on the ball!  

Instead of diving head first into old habits, practice keeping your eyes on what’s coming your way + how you’re spending your energy.  

You’ll be knocking ‘em outta-the-park in no time.  

Not to mention feel so much better. 

6 Signs Change ISN’T What You Need

photoThe idea of change can be alluring + seductive.   Especially when burnout’s knocking at your door.

A fresh start.   Something new.   Something better.

Gets your blood pumpin’ just thinking about it, no? And, maybe even thinking, “That’s exactly what I need. Right.  Now.”

But change always shows its true colors.

It’s a short-lived high- in cute shoes.

The change-game is one of the best seductresses of all time.   I mean, just the thought of that breath-of-fresh-air feeling gets you wired.   Craving.   Jonesing to feel that high again.

All the while she’s whispering in your ear, “This will be the one that takes.   This could be the change that lasts.   This is what you’ve been missing!”

The problem with the change-game is you’re so hopped up on your quest for new, more… better,  that you don’t realize what you’re giving up each time you start over:   growth.

The truth is,  to the outside world,  change looks a bit like bobbing ‘n’ weaving.  
You’re going left when everyone else is going right.

So while you’re drinking in that breath-of-fresh-air feeling you’re also leaving people,  jobs,  retirement plans,  benefits,  seniority + vacation days,  friends,  relationships,  and maybe even cities in your dust.

Here’s 6 signs it’s time to get out of the change game.   For good.

  1. The high wears off.  You listen to the whisper in your ear, make the change and get a new gig.  It feels intoxicating!   For a little while.   Then sobriety sinks in and you’re back where you started,  but without your seniority + benefits.   The only thing that seems to bring that excitement back is the thought of doing it all over again.   And again.
  2. The breath-of-fresh-air-feeling is the best part.  Putting in your notice.  Walking out the door for the last time.  This. IsFreedom.  And THIS, is the best part!  Once this high wears off you feel stuck.   Trapped.   And all you can do to get that glorious freedom back is fantasize about telling everyone + everything you’re supposed to care for to go screw off.
  3. Your resume, business niche or relationship history looks like a game of musical chairs.   Job or relationship hopping is easy to blame on others.   But (and I say this with love) YOU are the common link between all your jobs + relationships.  If you’re always on-to-the-next-one in 2 years or less you know change is whispering in your ear + running your show.
  4. You feel like you’re spinning your wheels.  You work your booty off.   And yet, while you’ve had flickers of success, more often than not you feel lost.   No matter how hard you work, when change is running your show, you’re always in the start-up phase.
  5. You’re focused on what you want (+ don’t want) instead of what you have.   It’s easy to get sideswiped by the thought of greener grass when you’re not aware of change’s seduction skills.   Her 1-2 punch is comparison + lust.   Once you realize it could be different.   It could be better.   This is missing.   Or that… she’s got you on the ropes.   You’re no longer paying attention to what’s in front of you.   Instead, you’re lusting after that next high.
  6. Change is how you handle everything.  You have a bad day.   A fight in your relationship.   Or maybe you’ve lost your work mojo.   And change is the first thought that enters your mind.

The truth is your mojo-  both personal + professional-   comes from within you

And, change without growth, stunts your mojo.  BIG TIME!

So, next time you hear that seductress call, tell her the jig is up. 
You’re on to her.
And you’re going another way.

This time to change things up, you’re choosing growth instead.

How to Love Your J-O-B

CaleyPowerPointTemplate-1I love my job.

There’s nothing else on earth I’d rather do.

That doesn’t mean it’s always easy.   Or without stress.
Or that there aren’t days I question if it’s what I really want to do.

Yet I can confidently say I a love it.   And feel love for it.

Not because I’m any different than you.

Or because my job is better than yours.

But because I’ve figured out HOW to love it.
So I can fall head-over-heels in love, over ‘n’ over again, no matter what comes my way.

And you can, too.   You just need to learn how.

To make it easier, I’ve broken it into 3 essential (+ totally do-able) practices for loving your job (+ anything else).

1.   See opportunities rather than problems.

Oh my gosh, this one’s a slippery little sucker!

Most of us go to work hoping to do a good job.
So we love when things fall into place + leave us looking fan-freakin-tastic.

But what about those times things don’t seem to fall into place? When there’s something we need to learn.
Does that mean you feel ri-freakin-diculous?

If so we just totally nailed your block to loving your job.

Life is about learning.   So we can grow.   And do new things.   Experience adventure.
And raise our awareness + love for the world.

Problem solving is one of the best ways to learn!

The minute you start seeing “set backs” as an opportunities for growth everything changes. 
Suddenly you’re welcoming ‘em in instead of fighting ‘em.
And, you’re growing, happily, with each project + opportunity that comes your way.

“It’s not up to us what we learn, only whether we learn through our joy or our pain.” ~Marianne Williamson

Decide to learn through joy and no matter what comes your way, you’ll feel the love.

2.   Understand your why.

Your why is your purpose.   And your purpose is your why.

No, I’m not trying to rap for you. (Thank God!) I’m just trying to get you in touch with your WHY.

By this, I mean, why you do what you do.  Versus what you do.

Your why is your source for loving your job.  Not what your job is.

Here’s a funny + totally true example:

I pick up my dog’s poop.   Everyday.

1) I love her + want her to be part of my life.
2) I like being able to walk in front of our building without stepping in, or smelling, poop.
3) It’s who I want to be.   As a person.  Someone who cares for + respects my dog, building + neighborhood.

Do I love picking up her poop in the moment?  Not so much.

But I do it, happily, because I know WHY I’m doing it.

So even though it’s not my fav part of being a dog owner (+ will totally keep me from ever owning a large breed dog)
I do it with love + feel love for it.   ‘Cause no poop means no pug.   And that would be a tragedy.

The more clear I am on my why, the more I love every little detail my j-o-b.  (Even the stinky ones.)

And you will, too.

3. Find value in what you do + give.

Whatever you do for a living has value.

No matter what you do.

You are giving something important to the people around you + the world. No matter how high or low on the ladder.
You are offering something that makes the world a better place.

And the more in touch you are with this, the more love you will feel each and every day.

I know it can be easy to take what you do for granted. Especially as the “newness” wears off and it becomes routine.
But when this happens, that’s how you feel- taken for granted.

Find ways to stay in touch with and value what you are creating + bringing to the world each day.
And get clear about what you are actually giving.

For example: if you’re a barista, you’re not really giving people coffee-  you’re giving ‘em a morning experience.
A home away from home.  Connection.  A ritual.   A way to start their day.  Security.  Comfort.   And love.

If you get caught up in the coffee, your job can become boring.  Regimented.  And you’re “what’s in it for me” focused.
Which always creates more yuck feelings, ’cause all you’re focused on what’s missing.  Instead of what you’re giving.

If you value the exchange + experience you’re creating for your customers, then you’re focused on what you’re giving,
and you feel filled up.  Effortlessly.

‘Cause you’re focused on what is happening. What is there. What choices, power + skills you do have.
Instead of focusing on what’s missing.

And, when you’re connected to what is, it’s easy to feel love.

What to do When You’re Hijacked by Insecurity


You’re cruising long, feeling good, getting stuff done.  And then wham!  You’re totally hijacked by insecurity.

The scientific term for this punch in the gut  (yes, there is one)  is an inhibitor.   But really, it’s just an asshole.

I think the two worst parts of this hijacking are 1) that you never seem to see it coming and 2) you inevitably end up taking it as a commentary on you + your worth.

The thing is, this super annoying insecurity hijacker is your brains way of protecting you.   I know.   Sounds crazy. And, it’s the truth.

If you translated this hijacker it would say, “Hey!  Watch out!  We’re some place totally new. Use caution.”

Because it’s a built in security system- that has kept us alive for centuries- there’s no way to stop the alarm from going off from time to time.  But, you can absolutely change your relationship with this mugger.   And actually learn to see it as a good thing.

Here’s 4 (scientifically proven) ways to deal with a insecurity hijacking.

1. See it as a sign of progress

Brené Brown calls this phenomenon a vulnerability hangover.   And that’s exactly what it is.  

You partied. Like a rockstar.   Past your normal comfort zone.   And now, you’re feelin’ it.

Unlike an alcohol hangover, a vulnerability hangover is a sign of success.

It’s your body’s way of telling you you’ve gone farther than ever before.  You’ve moved into new territory.  Dared to be seen, put yourself out there– left your comfort zone.   (Yipee!)   And, now you’re body’s catching up.

For example, I just finished a blog post I really like.  It’s me.  I think it’s a good subject.  I think offered good advice.  And Wham! Now I’m terrified to publish it + totally rethinking every word of it.

If it wasn’t more me than I’m used to sharing.  If it wasn’t pushing my limits a bit to write (+ like) it.  If it wasn’t a tiny example of me letting my a rockstar be seen I wouldn’t have gotten mugged.

So as awful as it feels (and I know, it sucks) re-framing it as a sign of accomplishment is your best + quickest way through it.

Follow the hangover recipe, a little TLC + time. It will work every time.

2.  Celebrate it!

I know, this one sounds funny, but I promise-  this one will literally change your life.

Next time insecurity mugs you, remember it’s an accomplishment and celebrate it!  

Treat yourself to a new pair of shoes, a coffee, a massage, some extra zzz’s, a pat on the back.  Doesn’t have to be big and doesn’t have to be small either– it just has to be something that feels like, “Yes!  I totally rocked this.” 

3.  Acknowledge the accomplishment not the BUT

Our buts can so get us down.   I’m not talking the ones in your jeans.  I’m talking about your, “yeah but’s.”

Friend:  “I love your shoes!” You: Yeah but I spent way to much on ‘em.”

Me:  “Insecurity popped up. That means you hit a new goal.  Celebrate it!” You:  “Yeah but I feel like crap.”  “Yeah but I don’t have time.”  “Yeah but it didn’t go like I thought it would.”

You get the point. 

Leave your BUT in your pants where it belongs, and embrace your accomplishment.

Pay attention to what you did that created this vulnerability hangover.  And celebrate THAT.

Acknowledging your accomplishment will grow your vulnerability tolerance.  So you’ll be able to go farther ‘n’ do more without being hijacked.  Plus, have some self-defense skills for when the mugger does show it’s ugly face again.

4.  Share

You’re not alone.  (Promise.)

And sharing your story is one way to truly feel this.

It’s a huge step towards loving you + being seen.  And, it may be the single best thing you can do when you’ve been hijacked by insecurity.

Speaking your truth is a direct line back to you.

Try taking a page from Maya Angelou (could there be a better page?) and keep this quote in mind, “When you get, give.  When you learn, teach.”  

Share you’re experience + your knowledge about this mugger with someone you care about.   Let ‘em in on your feelings and your challenge.   Support ‘n’ cheer each other on as more and more hangovers show up.

And, together, leave your buts in your pants and celebrate your accomplishments. 

“You’re Not the Boss of Me”

afterphotoGo ahead and say it.   I’m not the boss of you.   (And I so don’t want to be)

I’ve recently done a re-branding job to my site, practice and blog. (+ my attitude.) 

I’ve spent years working as a traditional therapist, focused on Self-Esteem, because I wanted to help people.  I’d had some super painful experiences in my life, which made it crystal clear to me why we’re such jackass’s when we’re hurting.  
So, I set out to do something about it.  Enter Therapy + Self-Esteem. 
While I loved my time as a traditional therapist, for me, something was missing.  Especially when it came to the Self-Esteem piece.  

So again, I set out to do something about it.  Enter Coaching (+ blog refresh.) 

Here’s the inspiration behind my new voice n ‘tude:

I’m NOT the boss of you.  And, I so Don’t want to be.

Telling  vs. Sharing

When it comes to improving your life what are you looking for?  Are you looking for someone to tell you what to do?  

So you can just do it.  

Without absorbing it, or really thinking about it.  

‘Cause this is Telling.   And in my experience Telling is a waste of time.  Mine + yours. 

Telling places the power on something other than you.  In this case me.  

It makes me the boss of you. 

i.e.  “I did what you told me and it didn’t work.” 

Translation: “I went through the motions, without creating an intention of reaching my goal, because you told me to. And I’m secretly glad it didn’t work cause now I can blame you instead of look at me.” 

Not fun.   Not helpful.    And, so not gonna get you to your goals. 

Sharing is… 

…a 50-50 split where I dish out info + you marinate in it.  Absorb it.  Let it flavor you.  Tweak you. 

Move it from your head to your heart.  And make it yours.   

Sharing brings the power back to you. 

It makes YOU the boss of you.  And us, partners.  

i.e. “I tried what we talked about last time.  Here’s what went well, and here’s the glitches I ran into. How can I avoid these from popping up in the future?”    

Translation:  “I’m in the process of figuring this out.  And I’m determined to make it.  This is new + scary for me, and I could really use some support and guidance so I can figure out what tripped me up. I want to know how to handle it next time.” 

Big difference.  (With totally different results.)

I’m a Sharer (and I know it.)

I love being your partner.  I loathe being your boss.  

This has been the single biggest aha for me.  And it’s changing everything.  

As much as I appreciate the Savvy Self-Esteem alliteration and purpose, it feels way too much like being the boss of you.  And way too little like me.   So, I’m ditching it.  I’m letting it go so I can welcome something more into my life.   I want to Be + Feel More right along side you.

My intention going forward is Sharing.

Sharing love.  Compassion.  Insight.  Hope.  Nuggets of wisdom.  New ideas.  New ways to look at yourself.  To love yourself.  To appreciate + value your strengths.  

All to help YOU be the boss of you. 

PS- We’ll still totally talk Self-Esteem! I’m all about helping you Be + Feel More. On the inside. Which IS Self-Esteem.